Trigger Warning: PL | TTC | ED

After working through adult ED I managed to change my thinking, and most of my patterns and have compassion for myself.

I had been comfortable with the changes in my body through the years.

But the last year has been different.

Since April’23 I have gained weight and I am struggling with this.

The weight gain has been hormonal and emotional.

My body has been through its fourth Follicle Stimulation, its third egg collection, and had four good-quality embryos transferred on three different occasions.

One of these lovely little embryos was positive but growth stopped at 11 weeks and I lost the pregnancy.

My third miscarriage in two years.

This time I had an MVA procedure in the hope of finding out why.

In late December we decided to take a break due to sanity, mental health, the physical toll, and finances.

I wanted to start moving again, in a caring gentle way.

Then I did my ankle in.

This was the universe forcing me to take it even slower.

Some days I feel my body is a constant reminder of infertility and our challenge to conceive which is why I struggle with

the changes.

If it was happy weight gain I think I would be more comfortable with it.

The weight steadily grew with each round.

The high doses of meds I was on helped us get a positive result, to try to keep the pregnancy but they didn’t work.

Then the addition of steroids in the hope they might help as well.

Then the grief eating that followed each attempt.

The weight change feels like a haunting.

I am trying to be kind to myself, to be compassionate with my body.

I am putting boundaries in place for myself with injury recovery so I don’t hurt myself trying to do more.

I am not putting pressure on myself to lose weight.

But I am struggling with all of this at times because I am a woman who grew up in the 90's and those models also haunt me.

This is a reminder that we are all going through things we can’t see, things we may not understand.

Be compassionate with yourself.

Be compassionate with others.

Kirsti x

Pictures by the talented Camille Marie Bieber